write it down, you'll feel better

or maybe you won't

I have quite an extensive journalling practice. There is an inverse correlation between how well I feel and how much I journal. As I start to feel unwell I (often not early enough) turn to writing to help me untangle myself from my illness. As I start to feel well I find journalling so much a chore and think that I can remember what I'm doing without making any effort. This is an unfortunate cycle, and perhaps one day I'll be able to stick with the journalling as I start to feel better and then never feel unwell again… Perhaps not…

You'll find many people in the meditation / journalling / stoic communities who talk about their particular practices tell you how it can stop you feeling anxious or depressed, and that you have a choice about how you feel. The lens they have doesn't include mental illness.

A few weeks ago I dropped and broke a glass that I recently inherited. It was part of a set and I quite liked it. The breakage was caused by a house guest doing things in a way that we don't normally do things in this house. There was plenty here to get upset about, but I caught myself, looked at the situation and decided not to hold onto the initial disappointment that I felt. Within a few minutes of the accident I didn't feel anything in particular about it.

When an incident captures the attention of my depression though, there is no choice about just walking away from it. I'll write it down, I'll consider the situation from the perspective of others, I'll talk to my partner / coach / therapist about it, I'll meditate; but it will still be there in the back of my mind, poking me in special ways that are normally only found in Catholic interpretations of hell.

Sure, my life is better thanks to these techniques but there is no way anyone could consider me well. I wouldn't consider myself well.

These things help, but they don't fix.

Morning Pages, Working Mum Style

I try to only use my phone to play slow music first thing in the morning. I don't want the world encroaching into my life until I'm ready for it. I make myself a coffee and do a couple of chores, then go outside with a pen and notebook. At this time of year its still dark, and I can sit with a camp light illuminating my paper in a romantic way. I then start writing. Anything that pops into my head while I sit and stare into space. I'm still learning to write down absolutely everything that pops up; filters are hard to ignore. Sometimes I get ideas that turn into blog posts and newsletters, but on the whole what appears on the paper are various encounters that I've had recently, both good and bad. This is where I like to use Stoic / Buddhist practices are tell myself that either way these are just things, there is no good or bad about these situations, they just are. I might explore why these things have come up at this time, or I may have already moved onto the next thing.

Because I have responsibilities to be getting on with in the world, I can't sit there until I've written out three sides of A4. Morning pages sounds great, but in my experience is a privilege for those with time on their hands. Instead, I choose to set a timer. This can vary day to day based on what I have to do in the morning, how quickly I got out of bed, and when my first appointment with someone outside of my household is. Typically I get one and a half A5 pages.

Bullet Journal

I've written about bullet journalling before, so I won't go into too much detail about it here. This is the journal that I carry around with me everywhere from the moment I get out of bed until the moment I get back in. It's never not in the same room as me. It is my commonplace book. It keeps me on track during the day; whenever I feel lost and unmotivated I look through it and I'll find either something I need to do or some inspiration to kick start me again. If I have a random thought or idea that I want to keep I'll write it down there, then come back to it to either digitise as input into some future endeavour or write about some more on a breakout page.

What I like most about writing on paper is that handwriting is the easiest way to flow thoughts out. I don't have a disability that blocks me from handwriting. I can touch type, but the flow of thought is different between ink and pixel. The tool is not getting in my way; I'm not going to have auto correct stressing me out or be distracted by an update or notification. The tool itself provides the focus I need.

Evening Reflection

This is a recent addition to my life. I've tried keeping a diary at the end of the day before, but have found it to be a cause of stress. This time around I'm trying to think of it as a tool rather than a log, as that frame of reference is more successful to me with my other journalling practices. Seneca would go over his day in the evening, thinking about what he did well, where his attention had slipped, and how he might do better tomorrow. I'm also trying to consider what the highlights of my day have been and trying out some gratitude journalling. (Or gratitoads for the Big Mouth fans out there…) I'm not properly in the habit of this yet, so I don't have much to say about it. I'm trying to keep it short and quick, and think I will probably do better with it by creating some focused prompts rather than letting it be free form. I'll get back to you…