looking for the better route

unsatisfying, unnatural success

Neurodivergence is a curious thing. I’ve always thought of myself as odd and quirky and left it at that. I’ve tried tempering my weirdness so that I have a better chance of fitting in and getting along with the world around me. In recent years, and more acutely in recent months, I’ve become more and more certain and comfortable with the realisation that being odd and different was other than I had thought as a younger person. These days I wear the neurodivergence badge quite happily, and more recently, I’ve started opening up about my autism.

One of the ways autism manifests for me is a complete inability to let things drop. Once I have a bee in my bonnet, I want to do all I can to resolve whatever issue I see in front of me. My worldview is the only one that could possibly be right, so if you disagree with me, it’s probably because you don’t understand something. That’s ok though, because here I am to explain it to you. Over and over and over and over again until you will do anything to get rid of me. Probably by agreeing with me and walking away, never to be seen again.

There are many techniques available that can help to think about whether or not to proceed with the current meme injection I have in my hand; below is one of the first that worked for me:

Does it need to be said?

Does it need to be said by me?

Does it need to be said by me now?

I no longer remember who introduced this to me, but I’m forever grateful to whoever did.

That’s not to say I’m not masking heavily by adopting this or other techniques. This particular mask doesn’t drain too much of my energy, but it does leave me with a profound sense of dissatisfaction and frustration. After all, waiting for you to join me over here, where you will finally see the world correctly, may take longer than I will know you for.

Perhaps a neurodivergent diagnosis earlier in life would have made all this easier for me. Perhaps the struggle has made me the person I am today.

Recently I had a system level reflection I wanted to share with a prominent person. I dropped it in as a subtle nugget that could easily have been overlooked. It wasn’t, and said person picked me up on having referred to a thing in a way that, to their mind, wasn’t true. I then had to decide how to respond. My initial reaction was to not respond immediately. Thanks to some training from Lyssa Adkins, I knew important conversations should be prepared and carefully considered. I had the additional benefit that this conversation was being held in IM, so I had breathing space to take my time. This alone marked a moment of huge growth for me. I was very proud.

So, now to think about how to respond. What aspect of the point I was trying to make did I want to lean into and really drive home? Did I want to talk about the errors in the system, or the errors from the person who created the system? Perhaps the line management style of those involved would have a greater impact. I went through half a dozen drafts of how to respond, but every time I realised that particular angle came across as anything from passive aggressive to just plain unkind. At best, any response could be considered impolitic; at worst, power hungry.

By this point, I had been mulling it over for three or four hours. Then it occurred to me, there’s probably no need to respond. Nothing I could possibly have said at that moment would lead to a positive outcome. I asked myself, “What outcome do I want to achieve from this conversation?” After all, as agile coaches, we’re always trying to help our clients properly define their goals before moving forward. Eat what you serve, and all that… I paused for thought and realised I had probably already achieved my desired outcome. I reflected the system to itself, and the response I received proved that the system had seen it. Any further commentary on my part would serve my needs and not those of the system. I closed the IM window and, with great dissatisfaction, put the conversation to bed in my mind.

A few days later, I was talking with said person about a completely unrelated topic. At one point, they casually dropped in a mention of my reflection. Nothing has changed, but I sowed a seed that has taken root in the mind of someone. They will now see the world with an additional filter that my reflection has made. My dissatisfaction has reduced, both from this interaction and time passing. I don’t think holding back will ever feel anything but awful for me, but I have hope that over time it will feel more and more like the right thing to do and perhaps an even more powerful position to hold.