The balancing of our work and personal lives can be easily disrupted. The idea that we can check one part of our lives in and out by the clock as though they’re separate people is madness. There are times when things happen in one context that affect the other.
When the stability of our work fluctuates, it impacts our personal relationships.
When the stability of our home fluctuates, it impacts the quality of our work.
Most of the time, we can perform the act that the moment requires. The neurodivergent community would call such behaviour masking, which is the act of behaving as others expect one to in order to conform, not be noticed as different, and avoid detection as ‘other.’ It’s a tiring act that can lead to burnout regardless of your neurotype. And if behaving as expected pushes you to act outside of your personal values, it carries the extra burden of committing the very modern crime of being inauthentic.
I’ve recently engaged with a new organisation, and (unsurprisingly) they require me to be fully present during office hours. As a result, I’m unable to take care of my children at this time so I must take them to and collect them from someone who can. I also have to pay for that person or organisation to care for my children, and in London, that’s no small cost. To work costs me time and money, the precious resources available to me in my personal life.
Last week, I moved house, which involved packing up my desk and all the extra computer equipment that makes working at home more comfortable. I spent four working days on a small laptop screen alone, rather than extended with two large monitors. I’m also physically tired from finding extra time in my day to pack and unpack, and the physical exertion of carrying large amounts of weight around. As a result, my productivity, my ability to concentrate on other people, and my memory have reduced; the qualities of myself that my employer expects me to exhibit in my work life.
I have been fortunate that my colleagues have been understanding and forgiving of the inconvenience my house move has caused them, and that my children, partner, friends and extended family have supported my need for rest and forgiven my reduction of emotional control.
These last couple of months have reminded me of the importance of being sympathetic and compassionate to those we lead. When we see fluctuations in the behaviour of our colleagues, we would do well to remember that there are all number of things happening to them in the hours outside of those they give to our organisations. And, perhaps more importantly, the impact we can have on our colleagues beyond work, such as the relationships with their friends and family.
Much is written and spoken about in leadership social media about how leaders impact their team members, but I don’t feel it goes far enough. The conversation tends to begin and end with the relationship between manager and report, and fails to explore beyond the individuals involved. As leaders, we need to consider our impact on the system beyond those we interact with. We know that most people don’t leave their jobs; they leave their managers. But is that because of their own relationship with the manager or because of how it affects their personal life?
From my own experience, I know that having a bad relationship with one’s manager can put a strain on other relationships. During a particularly turbulent year of job hopping, I would come home in tears and declare I wanted to leave the industry and find a different career path. My partner and I lost countless evenings and weekends discussing the troubles I’ve experienced, which means we haven’t been going out enjoying ourselves. We hadn’t rested well, so we returned to the workplace tired and emotionally drained rather than rested, refreshed, and ready for the week ahead.
We need to remember that behaviours are dysfunctional, not people. The impacts we have upon others do not stop at the person we’ve had direct contact with. And we, in turn, will need the good grace of those around us when our own life balance is thrown off.
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